A new career

I probably won't publish this post just yet, but I wanted to get my thoughts down before I forget.  I've always wanted to stay home once I had kids, but before Trey arrived, I was presented with the possibility of a half time position at school.  Keeping a little bit of a paycheck and still having vision and dental insurance was definitely tempting, but once Trey got here, I realized going back to work was going to be harder than I thought.  I have cried just talking about having to go back to work for eight weeks this year.  Recently another half time position has become a possibility, but I really couldn't decide what I wanted to do.  Steve and I have been praying about it, and I wanted to see how things go once I return to work to finish out this school year.  Even though the position would just be a few days a week, I didn't like the thought of having to leave Trey regularly.  However, the paycheck and getting to see friends at work kept me from totally throwing the idea out the window.  Steve is totally fine with either option and just tells me to do what I want to do, so there's no stress for me to decide either way.

After visiting at school yesterday, including a visit with a coworker about the half time position, I think I have come to a decision.  On the way home, my normally laid back baby boy started fussing.  It soon escalated into not just a cry but frantic shrieking.  I quickly pulled over into a parking lot and got him out of his carseat.  I thought maybe he had a gas bubble, so I tried burping him, but that didn't work.  I tried nursing him, but that wasn't it either.  Finally I just pulled him up to my chest and rocked him back and forth, whispering, "It's ok.  Mommy's got you."  After a few seconds, he calmed down and fell right asleep.  In that moment, I realized that I want to be the one to hold him when he's upset.  I want to be able to tell him, "It's ok.  Mommy's got you."  I struggle sometimes to know when it's God's voice speaking to me, but I can't help but believe that this was His way of answering my prayer for His wisdom in this situation.  I don't believe He would give me these desires to be with my baby boy if he intended for me to go back to work.

I also remembered something someone (can't remember who) said earlier in the day about how subbing a day or two a week would pay for groceries.  When Steve got home and I shared my feelings with him, I suggested that I just get myself on the substitute rosters in Siloam and Rogers, and when we find ourselves needing a little cash, I can sub to earn a little extra.  This just provides me with the flexibility to work only when we need me to.  I'm not locked into working 3 days a week, even if we don't need the extra money.  An added perk to all of this is that knowing that I don't have to stress about whether or not I'm working in August has made me much less anxious about going back this year.  I am sure I will still cry, but I know it's just temporary, and thankfully, Trey is too little to experience any separation anxiety.  We'll finish out these eight weeks and then I will begin my career as a stay at home mom to my little man. :-)