Transparency

It's amazing how many new things there are to deal with when you become a parent.  Besides all the obvious things that I expected, there have been a lot of feelings that I didn't anticipate.  I think they're fairly common and definitely understandable/allowable, especially as a first time mom, but sometimes it's just almost comical.

Ask anyone who's known me for a good length of time, and they'll tell you I'm a planner.  I make lists, I ask questions...ambiguity is not my comfort zone.  At JBU, there were numerous times I would work ahead on the syllabus only to have the professor change or cancel work that I had already done, so you think I would learn!  Bring a baby into the mix and cue the anxiety!  It's not the day-to-day schedule/changes that make me anxious; I'm fine with all of that and actually enjoy it.  It's the fact that there is this little person that I love more than I could ever imagine and there's a future full of the unknown.  (It doesn't help that I can be a bit of a Chicken Little and let my imagination get away with me.  Just ask my hubby who got up to get ready for work the other morning and had to unlock the bedroom door because SOMEONE got creeped out when she was up feeding the baby in the middle of the night and somehow thought the door knob lock would keep out the boogie man.)

It's not that I want the rest of my life scripted out with no surprises because that would take all of the enjoyment out of life, but it's just amazing how one little person can make me so afraid about all of the "what ifs."  As in almost having an anxiety attack driving along the Elk River on the way to Neosho a few weeks ago because WHAT IF I careened off into the river like whoever it was that knocked down the barrier that's supposed to keep me on the road! I honestly don't understand how people do it without faith in God because handing all that anxiety to Him is the only way to deal with it.

I've become TERRIBLE about having any sort of quiet time and have been working on being more disciplined about finding that time every day because that has to be my priority.  Thankfully, I have discovered that nursing Trey + You Version on my iPhone is a perfect answer because I can't do anything else, and although my Bible is too bulky to hold with one hand, I can navigate my Bible on my phone with no problem.  I can just tell that even though I have always been a worrier, I really could let it become overwhelming if I didn't just start handing it directly to God when I feel it creeping up on me.  Because honestly, this life is not my own, and even this little boy that God has entrusted to Steve and me is not ours.  He is God's.  Thankfully!  Because what a burden that would be if all of that responsibility were left to us.  There's such freedom in that knowledge!  (Not that we'll let him go run around in traffic or anything, but you get what I mean.) :-)

I better go see what else I can get done around the house before Boo finishes his nap.  Sounds like we're off to Steve's parents' for Round Two of Independence Day festivities this evening, so we'll get laundry caught up and the kitchen clean so we can enjoy hanging out this evening!